That Was Then, This is Now

It's been 14 months past the injury. Just reading through the journey is stressful because I live through all of those emotions. Today I can say I am in a much more stable place. I'm still somewhat isolated as I have little desire to socialize even with my closest friends. This is a little hard to swallow because I miss them, I miss the laughs, it's just weird. My moods have leveled out a lot!! It's hard to determine if they have leveled out or if I have just learned who, when and how much I can subject myself to. I did have a stimulating possible volatile encounter the other day and I managed for my head not to spin completely off my body and I did not end the conversation in the tone of that of a basketball coach. So just that alone tells me maybe I'm handling my most difficult relationships a little better. I have, of course, built quiet a fortress of protection around myself. It's invisible but it's there. I have learned to control when and if I subject myself to situations that might make me edgy or just down right mad. Every thing seems to be holding. I have an actually feeling of happiness that eluded me for most of last year, I'm actually experiencing dreams at night which had been completely shut down, so I believe that my brain is currently functioning on a much higher level than it has in months. My continued prayers is that every day God will tweak it just a little more until I actually recognize the person I am as the person I was. I think I will always be a tad more jaded than I was before, but I'm not complaining because things are so much better now than they were even 2 months ago.

The First Day of the Rest of My Life

For weeks I waiting anxiously for New Year's day to arrive. I had some pretty brutal months over the last year but December was pretty close to the worst of the worst. I believe I actually realized how close I came to losing everyone I loved, and how close they came to losing me. I'm a fix it kind of gal, so my New Years resolution was to mix and mingle and to try to get back in the loop. Our new years gathering was at a different home this year with no boobie trap doors, no rabbit holes. I was somewhat subdued, still wasn't 100% comfortable being around a lot of people regardless of how much I loved them or how much they loved me. When you can't hear well, it's hard to keep up with multiple conversations so I tend to mentally go to a calm place and not participate so much in the conversations. My daughter and her boyfriend was home from the Navy as were most of the other kids in our group. We played spoons, battle of the sexes (which was kind of lame) and watched football. I determined in my mind that I would make this year a very different year. My quirks were getting fewer and I could just fake the things that needed to be faked until they didn't need to be faked again. Most of the anxiety I had in December stimmed from my fear that a year would come and go and I would still be struggling with some of my major issues. Just the stress of knowing I was on a time line had me drowning in my own fears. Once New Year's Day past without incedent I seemed to settle down and settle in. Little by little the little things that were still hanging on were becoming easier to anticipate and avoid or control. Some things won't be rushed and healing happens to one of those things.