January 1st, 2013 is right around the corner, which marks year 3 of the accident. TBI recovery has been in the news a lot the last couple of years. The many men and women returning home from war has brought a lot of attention to the subject. TBI's caused from football injuries have also been under close scrutiny. I come across new information every month. Information I wish I would have had 3 years ago. So much of what I have found has just validated exactly what I have tried so desperately to put into words. My friends see me as I've always been, but my family knows different. I still see a therapist every couple of months. It's very therapeutic to be able to openly discuss the changes without feeling judged, or doubted. I describe it as being an actress playing myself. I draw on what people expect from me and I am constantly striving to prefect my performance until it is no longer a performance. A few months ago, I was telling my therapist how much I missed the old me. She asked me what was different, and what I missed about the old me. These are the things I miss about who I was before.
The emotional connection I feel towards others. Most of the time I still feel very emotionally detached. There are times when connections surface, but for the most part, there is just an empty space where emotional connections used to rule.
Communication is very stressful to me.I can't explain it, but
pointless talking is very difficult to handle. I cannot tell you how
much of a problem this is. The old me was a Chatty Cathy. If you wanted
to talk, I'd sit and listen, that is if you could get a word in edge
wise. For the most part, I now have very little to say. There are days
when I get a little more chatty or hyper, but for the most part, I'm
just here. I don't understand this change and I certainly don't expect
anyone else to understand it. And it may seem like a tiny thing, but
trust me, when people around you are used to you being very chatty and
then suddenly you just aren't, it causes problems. This has been
particularly hard for my husband. He and I have totally reversed roles
in this area. He used to be the quiet one and I rattled on endlessly.
Now, he is the one constantly trying to engage me and it is a struggle.
From my end it feels like I'm trying to pull myself out of a hole and I
just can't quite get all the way out. Yet when I have something to say, I
have no problems. The idle chitchat part of me is seems to be
completely broken. Not only do I have have a hard time making idle
chitchat, I also have a hard time listening to it.
I miss my predictability. I never understood how much of a comfort it is to be able to predict how I will react or respond to things. It's something you just never expect to disappear.
I miss the ease of interpersonal relationships. I still have A LOT of difficulty with interpersonal relationships. I used to actively seek friends. I used to engage people and attempt to make them feel comfortable. Now, it's something I make myself do. Some days I'm more successful than others,but it is something I continue to work on. Strange that it used to come so natural.
Stimulus overload is always standing in the shadows. Sometimes it sneaks up on me and causes me to withdraw. Stimulus overload happens when a combination of fatigue, being in unfamiliar
surroundings, lights, noise all come together for a perfect storm. Sight, sound, and other forms of stimuli, feels like an assault to my senses. It causes social anxiety and can hit when least expected.I have A LOT of difficulty having a conversation when other conversations are going on, or when other noises are going on. I have gotten brave enough to actually ask friends I'm with to please turn off the TV, or the radio while we talk, because it's like my brain just can't funnel and route the sounds and the words. When I'm in a room with multiple conversations going, I become very withdrawn, I totally just zone out. I usually pick up my phone and start playing a mindless game that for some reason has become my hiding place. It's weird, it's just weird. The Tinnitus (ringing, buzzing in the ears, I call them crickets) hasn't decreases one iota. The crickets are still as loud as the when the accident happened. The Tinnitus makes hearing difficult, so when you factor in the funneling problems,it all comes together for that perfect storm. Noise just bothers me more now, probably because of the Tinnitus. There is a constant racket going on so everything else gets piled on top of that. One solution I've come up with is to carry wax ear plugs in my purse. When I become distracted by talking going on in another part of the office, or when I'm in a group, I pop in my ear plugs which helps me from reaching a full blown panic attack. During the first year of the injury, buying groceries was almost impossible for me. First of all, my fatigue level was so severe, there were several times I came very close to having to have my husband come pick me up before I was had finished the task. Navigating around people, the lights, the music, trying to think, was just too much for my system. I don't have as much of a problem with that now. The constant fatigue has passed and I can do my shopping without much problem, but when I'm done I am usually highly irritated and ready to get out of the store, but a lot of people who haven't had head injuries feel the same way. I did my first mud run a couple of months ago. It was 47 degrees and cloudy. I was exhausted at the end of the race and probably a little hypodermic. When we started home, I had a full blown shut down. I could think the words I wanted and needed to say, but the words couldn't make it to my mouth. When I got home I lay in a dark room for hours, just listening to the silence. Later in the evening I was able to function, but not at 100%. But the next morning I was good. For those few hours I was thrown back to how I felt the days and weeks after the injury. Since doing a mud run was a new thing for me, I had no way of anticipating my reaction. A month later I did another mud run. This time I was prepared for a shut down and took measures so not to be blindsided by it. I took my wax ear plugs and when I felt a shut down coming I put them in, put on my sunglasses and laid in the back seat in total silence. By the time we arrived at the restaurant, I was feeling much better.
On a positive note. A good thing changed , is my lack of fear. I used to be afraid of everything. I don't really have a sense of fear which isn't necessarily healthy but it is very refreshing.
Another good thing is My Reynaud's Syndrome, which bothered me a lot before the accident, never bothers me now. In fact I still have a disconnect (for the most part) to the temperature of my surroundings. Although I do still get cold, it's just that the cold doesn't register with me unless it's mentioned. Before the injury I would have never have been able to do a mud run that required me to swim in a pond in 48 degree weather.... It simply
would have happened.
In essence I miss the nuances of my old self. I liked the old me. I understood her, I could predict her. I liked the compassion she felt for others, I like her thoughtfulness, I liked how she embraced new relationships with ease and how eager she was to be involved. More importantly, I trusted her and loved how comfortable she was in her skin or her own psychic. This new me, I just don't know. I haven't quite figured her out yet, but I'm working on it.
