Month Four

In so many ways March had been a great month. My trip to California went well, so naturally I thought the worst was behind me. Unfortunately the adrenalin used to make it through that trip was all I had on reserve. The fatigue was worse in April. I would go home for lunch and sleep until it was time to come back to work. Sometimes it took all of my energy to sit at my desk throughout the day and a few days I simply couldn't make it and ended going home early. The headaches persisted as did the tinnitus. My husband continued to notice my emotions being non-existent except for the occasional meltdowns. I began seeing a Chiropractor hoping to gain some range of motion in my neck and also a lower back problem that nagged me. It was in April that I remembered I had made a couple of obligations that I simply did not feel I could back out of. One of those obligations was to organize the senior banquet for the graduating seniors at our church. The other obligation was to organize the annual Christmas banquet for the company I worked for. My husband was extremely concerned that pressure of these events would be more than I could handle at the time. At first glance it seemed he had basis for his concerns as I began to crater in front of every one's eyes during a exchange about the senior banquet plans at church one night.It was the only time my friends who had actually witnessed the accident, witnessed one of my major anxiety attacks.  When I walked away from the discussion he simply looked at two very good friends who were also in the youth department and told them, I was not the same person who planned and executed the banquet without a hitch last year. He explained that I was very different and this event would put a great strain on my abilities. For days before the banquet my husband kept a very close eye on me. When I finally quizzed him about his attentiveness he simply expressed his concern. The evening of the banquet, I noticed that I was never far from his sight. He didn't hover, but he certainly remained close should the pressure become too much. Thanks to him and the help of friends, the banquet took place as planned with minimum stress to myself. As silly as it seems, this was a big accomplishment for me. The banquet the year before had taken months to plan. This year I had forgotten about the event until just a few (very few) weeks before it was scheduled. During the planning I felt very overwhelmed,extremely unprepared and had doubts about my abilities. The success of the banquet boasted my belief that in time I would be my old self again. I continued to try to keep my sense of humor, but occasionally I would be overwhelmed with what was explained to me as survivors guilt. My writings continued to reflect my changing emotions on a day to day basis.
  http://sweetlife4me-jp.blogspot.com/2010/04/embossed-invitation.html

 http://sweetlife4me-jp.blogspot.com/2010/04/just-ask-cinderella.html