Month Six & Seven (Light at the End of the Tunnel?)

During June and July my physical problems began to level out a little. The fatigue was still there but much better. I still had headaches, but I began to notice that every few days I wouldn't have one. Any reprieve was welcome. As the physical aspects of the injury began to fade, the emotional aspects became more clear. It was around this time that I began to notice that I had been withdrawing from my social network. The withdrawing had been going on for some time, but I wasn't really conscious of it. I became more aware that my verbal filter was impaired causing me to say things before they were thoroughly thought out. Again, this was not a new problem, but it became more defined because I wasn't struggling so much with my physical issues. My husband had been a rock of support, but the strain was beginning to show on him as well.One evening he told me that he just wanted his old wife back and that he was afraid the fall had taken away the part that made us soul mates. This broke my heart! I couldn't stand to see him continue to suffer and yes, the feelings of guilt were overwhelming. I felt guilty for not being able to heal myself. I felt personally responsible for the burden he was under. In July I began seeing a Certified Counselor who had training with TBI therapy and Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I could no long deny, nor laugh away what had happened and it was imperative that I understand what was happening and to cope with it the best way possible for the sake of my marriage and my family.I had reached what some call the "Uneasy Acceptance" of my recovery. The Counselor was able to explain to me things the neurologist had not taken the time to explain. She talked me through the mine fields of the injury to a place of healing and understanding. Seeing a Counselor was one of the best things that I did. I could talk open and honestly with her about every aspect of the injury without fear of judgment. Since she wasn't familiar with my past, she made no attempt to pull from my past to explain my present. She just took me where I was and began walking me through the process of understanding what was going on. Her neutrality was a healing ointment to my wounded heart that was losing it's way in a sea of the familiar faces. Familiar faces who although they loved me, had no understanding of what was happening, nor how to help me.

June & July Sweetp

http://sweetlife4me-jp.blogspot.com/2010/06/part-of-me.html

http://sweetlife4me-jp.blogspot.com/2010/06/stained-glass.html

http://sweetlife4me-jp.blogspot.com/2010/07/never.html

Month Two

The second month after the accident was riddled with emotional instability for lack of a better term. I would be fine one minute and then in a complete panic the next. The panic attacks would sometimes go on for hours, crying hysterically. I remember one day in particular... I was working as usual, trying very hard to continue with daily life like everything was fine. After lunch I became extremely upset. I was able to maintain control until 5 o'clock, time to leave. When I got to my car the sobbing began. I did not want to go home, I just wanted to be far, far away from everyone. I didn't want my husband to see me so upset because he had been through so much already. I called him at work and told him I wasn't coming home. I was going to spend the night with a friend and she would come over and pick up my bags if he would just have them ready for her. I drove around until I found a hotel. I called my friend to let her know where I was. She brought my bags to me, we talked for a while and she left me for the evening. I cried all night long until all the tears were gone. I took the next day off from work and went home and went to bed. My husband came home at noon. When he walked into the bedroom he lay down and scooped me up in his arms. I can't imagine how helpless and lost he must have felt.... Certainly he felt as helpless and lost as I did. The fact that I felt no affection or emotion except during the overload periods, put a tremendous strain on our marriage. I can absolutely see how a couple who was not in a strong, committed marriage, before a TBI, might not be able to hold up under the strain. I still drifted through my days as if watching myself from afar. My only release seemed to be writing a blog sweetlife4me-jp.blogspot.com 
I love to write poetry and during this time some of my writing seemed very dark. During February of 2010 I had two different friends comment to me that my blogs were scaring them a little. I assured them that writing was just my outlet for survival, they seemed unconvinced. Their concern was the first clue that some of my relationships may not survive my recovery. I found recovery from my TBI a very deep, lonely and very personal journey back. Every day was a new adventure physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. With the exception of my husband who was there 24/7, others did not understand the deeply complicated process going on. It wasn't just my brain that was recovering. I was a different person and as the months would prove I was just beginning to realize the difference, but had not yet embraced the new me. This second month was also a month of unbelievable fatigue. The thing that kept me going was knowing my daughter who was on deployment with the U.S. Navy would be returning to the U.S. in March and we were scheduled to go greet her ship when it returned. I made it to work every day, but when 5 o'clock came, it took every once of energy I had to spare to make it up the steps to my room and to fall into bed with all of my clothes still on. My husband would come in minutes later, help me undress and tuck me in. He would bring me dinner in bed and then I was out for the night, only to get up to the same routine the next day. It took every breath I had to make it through the day. All of my energies were solely devoted to getting from one minute to the next. Even as I write this a year later, tears run down my face as I think back to the slow motion of every day. It was like swimming in glue.... It was exactly like swimming in glue. When I wasn't at home all of my concentration was geared toward acting natural. The fatigue and the isolation I feel when I think back on this time is very difficult to swallow. Every thing I knew seemed up for grabs. My personality, my marriage, my faith, were all tittering on a very fine edge and much to my surprise the worse was yet to come.

A Post From Sweetp Feb. 2010

http://sweetlife4me-jp.blogspot.com/2010/02/someone-elses-shoes.html

How It All Began

New Year's day 2010, began like any other New Year's day. Each year we spend the day with friends. We eat, play board games, play spoons, sometimes take a walk, it's just an enjoyable day. There are 4 couples along with their children who are mostly grown with a couple of exceptions. Each year we celebrate the day at someone else's house. I had made enchiladas along with a few other things and we arrived right around noon. Everyone was there except for a couple of people. The hostess had the food arranged around the kitchen and had put the desserts and drinks (non-alcoholic) in the sitting room. The sitting room was a room they had added onto the house. They used the existing cellar and built a small room right on top of it that adjoined the kitchen. The cellar door was still intact in case of a tornado and her teenage son had claimed it as his "Man Cave". He and my son were in the Man Cave playing video games. The door to the cellar was flush with the tile floor in the sitting room. The drink table was directly beside the opening to the man cave. Now the story turns and I am not going on memory, but by what I was told happened. We girls were sitting around the kitchen table talking when I decided I wanted something to drink. I got up and headed toward the drink table. While I was getting my cup I turned to add something to the conversation. When I turned, I rotated my body and repositioned my feet, however the place where I went to plant my left foot was the open hole to the cellar. I immediately fell straight back and down 10 feet. The stairs to the cellar were very steep and were at the front of the cellar. At some point during the fall I met the stairs as I tumbled and ricoheted off the walls and stairs. I landed with my head on the video game player (which was dented badly), my body was twisted around the bottom stairs. I landed at the feet of my youngest son. When they got to me my eyes were opened and fixed, I was unconsious, my neck was hyper extended to right so that my head lay limply on my right shoulder. The hostess was the first one down the stairs. When she got to me she said she knew I was dead and she began to cry, scream and pray. She moved my head thinking I would wake up or make a movement, but she said my head just flopped like it wasn't attached to my body. When the others got to me, my breathing kicked back in with a ragged "death moan" as they called it. I would not respond to them as they waited for the EMT to arrive. Due to the size of the cellar (very small) they had a hard time getting the EMT people down to me along with the equipment needed to get me up. They secured my neck and after much work managed to get me on the board. The had to lift me up vertically as careful as possible not to jiggle me any more than necessary. When we arrived at the hospital, the greatest fear was I had broken my neck. They also believed it was possible that my shoulder and hip was broken. X-Rays did not show any fractures which we contribute to prayer. The CAT scan showed bleeding in the front left part of the brain. The doctor was concerned about the bleeding and the fact that the left eye was protruding out.It was determined to be in my best interest to be taken by helicopter to Oklahoma City which was 90 miles away. They contacted a neurologist in the City who advised them not to fly me if there was cerebral bleeding. I was sent via ambulance instead. I don't remember much about being in the ER. I remember coming too when I heard my oldest son begin to sob when they told him I was being transferred to Oklahoma City, because there was nothing they could do for me here. The sound of that sob is what got my motors running. I realized in my semi-conscious state that I needed to get myself together and act as normal as I could possibly act. My entire body felt stiff and ridged. I felt like every muscle in my body was experiencing a major charlie horse. I was tense and couldn't move anything that didn't hurt. I dreaded the trip to the City, knowing it would be a bumpy ride. I asked for something to settle my muscles and calm me down so maybe I wouldn't hurt so bad. Luckily my husband had known the head nurse for years. He was terrified and she was extremely concerned. She talked to the ambulance driver who agreed to allow him to ride with me to the City. This is something they absolutely never do. My husband said when they got in the ambulance the EMT in the back told him that I was in God's hands because most people who have cerebral bleeding don't make it. My husband knew something that the EMT did not know. While we were in the ER, all of my friends began texting all of their friends, who sent texts to their friends and a prayer chain began. I truly believe the findings in Oklahoma City were a direct result of those praying people. I do not remember arriving at the Oklahoma City emergency room. I do know that they were going to release me as the bleeding appeared to have stopped. My family and friends did not want me released due to the type of injury and the distance. The ER doctor agreed to keep me over night for observation.I was released the next morning after the doctor got a consult on the CAT Scan from the previous night. The bleeding hand not only stopped but much of the blood had dissipated. I vaguely remember one of my friends taking pictures because I love to scrapbook. I remember my friends calling the next morning wanting to know what I wanted from Starbucks.I don't remember the ride home nor much else about that day. My husband told me that I had a very serious injury and that I needed to be very careful. In my mind, there was nothing wrong. Since I didn't remember much of what happened, and since they saw no need to keep me in the hospital, I was completely detached from what happened. I thought that if it had been serious I wouldn't be able to act so normal (which I was trying to do so my family wouldn't worry). 12 months after the accident, my husband still goes pale when we talk about the accident. He truly thought I was dead and had there not been many, many prayers, I believe I would have been.